I’m Glad I’m Not a Toilet

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I am really glad I’m not a toilet. Who knows where the hell I’d end up, how much shit I’d swallow, or how many diseases I’d host and pass without even knowing.

Kind of like life…

People line up to use toilets, often not caring about the crappy chaos and splatter piss. Toilets deal with shit and piss all the time! The only break (if you call it a break) a toilet might catch is a little cocaine, or a senseless argument over genitals, but, at the end of the day, a toilet is a toilet.

I’ve been mistaken for a toilet before and all I can say is, screw that! 

Shitty Ass People

People can be awful a lot of the time. They do dipshit things to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

It boggles my mind when someone thinks they can do no wrong even after discreetly wrecking a marriage (or two) and (possibly) the heart of a child.

It’s especially rich when people change their convictions based on which way the wind blows. Abortion is the first word to comes to mind, but this is America so you know there are others – many others.

Left unchecked, bad traits (especially when involving money) can become dangerous – or criminal – habits.

Ever the optimist, I believe humanity will prevail, but we have to start prevailing. That means, grow up. It’s time.

Dream big!

This brings me to a dream I had last week. I have a tendency to forget my dreams. This time, however, the shit stuck.

What I love about dreams is they make no sense. It was one of those dreams within a dream within a dream.

This dream took place in a bar. Within the bar was a giant toilet. However, the bowl itself was somehow bigger than the planet.

Welcome to the shit show!

I don’t know how I ended up with a job at a local bar supporting toilets, but I was on plunger duty. You can imagine my face when way too many pieces of shit rolled through the door.

I knew I was in for a night to remember.

The influx of shit was due to a scrappy poster advertising an unrefined contest they could see from outside. The poster listed a vague prize. It was a simple word – treasure – all lowercase, written with glue and silver glitter.

The First Super Toilet Bowl

It sounded like something sponsored by the NFL. Toward the bottom of the poster was a scribbled guarantee; an opportunity to live the most fulfilled life and make a difference in the world for one winner.

How the shit coincidentally stumbled across this opportunity is anyone’s guess. Life doesn’t always make sense. But, we’re not here to talk about life. Today, we’re talking about shit.

The goal of the contest was to be the smallest piece of shit. You see, shit knows what it is so the strategies were lame. Rather than explain why they were the smallest, they focused on convincing the judge that the other pieces were bigger.

Blinded by slinging shit at each other, none of them noticed they were in a toilet bowl of global proportions. The judge watched as things got ugly fast. The water became cloudy and a warning light started to blink rapidly.

Shit was taking too long and the judge had to intervene. Tired of what he’d witnessed, he ripped a page right out of the Shitty Strategies playbook.

The word on the page was “loopholes” and that sounded close enough to “flush” for the judge.

The dirty water in the big bowl started swirling. All the shit suddenly started exposing how big each piece was! It stepped all over itself and got all smashed together and skidded up the sides. The shit was riding up each other’s backs and tried plugging the toilet with smaller pieces as it all started to break apart.

Silly shit!

Not one of the pieces of shit sacrificed themselves to save the others. None of the shit survived. In fact, none of them ever resurfaced. It was as if the bar never opened that night.

Thank god for more bars!

Nobody ever heard of that contest again. Nobody even wondered about a new venue. By design, the contest only appealed to shit to begin with and that’s the crux of the problem. It’s not a contest that can be advertised because it attracts the wrong contestants. As it stood, the contest that night was a once in a lifetime thing.

I woke up the first time

I remember waking up swimming laps in a cold toilet. Then I was enveloped in complete darkness. Suddenly I felt surrounded by pool toys all around. I started getting hit in the head with fresh crap while treading water as I yelled “SHIT!” over and over.

I woke up the second time

There was an envelope in my lap that said “Super Toilet Bowl Criteria for Winners” I opened it to find a torn piece of lined paper out of a miniature sized spiral notebook.

It read, “Sole winner? Are you joking? In this contest there are only losers. Pieces of shit will always lose. If you don’t want to lose, don’t be a piece of shit. Prize to be shared with all non-losers.”

In that moment, I realized the contest wasn’t over. Not yet, but it could be over at any moment and I didn’t want to be a piece of shit when it was done.

What nobody understood was everyone, everywhere was in the contest all along.

I woke up for the third and final time

My skin was clammy as my body was covered in a cold sweat and my ceiling fan was on high.

I was laying in bed and my pillow was soaking wet. My shirt looked like I just left a water balloon fight and jumped in bed. My sheets were drenched.

I was cold and uncomfortable and in the dark. But, at least I was safe.

In that moment, I realized a simple truth: Live your life, but don’t be a piece of shit!

God works in mysterious ways.

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That’s how we row

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The ongoing circus in the United States became more ridiculous last week when President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey.

It happened quick and dirty and everyone has theories. I suspect the real reason is much simpler than the narrative the American public gobbles like a spoon-fed Gerber baby.

Generation CREW

The software solution et alia developed was called CREW. It’s ironic that a Washington D.C. watchdog, formerly called Citizens for Ethics in Washington, has adopted ‘Responsibility’ into their name and now using the CREW acronym and the first iteration of our CREW logo.

On one hand it’s kind of cool to see that logo represent the fight against corruption in our nation’s Capital. On the other, it’s a slap in the face since CREW (the software) is directly related to one of the most corrupt operations within U.S. state and federal governments. That would be a great question for Comey.

Americans are a CREW of incredible people. While many could desperately use basic lessons in ethics and compassion, I can’t name too many who identify with today’s politics.

The sky isn’t falling. What you’re seeing is a full blown Trumpnado tearing through a blizzard of career snowflakes.

I expect a few destroyed careers, tanked reputations, irreparable relationships, and countless examples of hypocrisy – which will only make the popcorn, in this theater, taste infinitely better.

Selective outrage over Comey

Last July, Republicans hated Comey and Democrats loved him. Then in October, Republicans loved Comey and Democrats hated him. By November 6, everyone is like “WTF Comey?” And earlier this month Comey is fired and everyone’s pissed.

It’s hard to keep up with the crap coming out of Washington

I know a couple people who’ve tried. The past three years they almost crashed through the bottom of a 500 gallon drum of tequila. Luckily, they splash-landed, nearly intact.

The view was much clearer from their new vantage point. It became apparent that their new fresh hell began in 1999, when they started a small, often overlooked, software company. Honestly, it started way before, but 1999 is an unquestionable bookmark for events that occurred before and since.

Most of what happened was grossly misunderstood which turned everyone around them into skeptical critics. In time, most critics emerged looking in the same direction. Some came around only when it served their own interests, which is always too late (i.e. convenient) for any gesture to be genuine.

Swimming in tequila is dangerous while attempting to uncover truths that have been buried for over a decade. However, once you understand past misconceptions, it’s easier to decode subtle clues and outright lies within present-day narratives.

It’s amazing how history holds the key to understand today’s America, which only gets crazier by the day. Not much shocks me anymore and Comey’s termination was no different.

What will shock me is when the truth comes out.

Timeline of 2016

January 2016 – FBI delays release of Clinton emails regarding the Special Access Program to end of the month. There were a couple deadlines in 2015, but the last one was December 31, 2015. Everyone assumed the emails had everything to do with Benghazi, but that was simply a red herring. Anyway, the FBI was in charge as of January 1, 2016.

Clinton wanted them released ASAP as the emails were part of an ongoing investigation spanning a number of years including her time as Obama’s Secretary of State. Recall that both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice had a private email servers. Imagine if they were both part of the same investigation. That’s my guess.

February 2016 – FBI delays email release to end of the month again. Something isn’t aligning with the FBI’s investigation and they aren’t able to release the Special Access Program emails. Justice Scalia passed in Texas during a hunting trip while in his bedroom. He was either resting peacefully or with a pillow covering his face. Regardless someone who never saw his body declared him officially dead and his family foregoes an autopsy.

My dog Marco was put down on the 17th of February. I’d be a terrible parent if I neglected to mention him in any 2016 timeline.

At the end of February, the FBI (Comey) flipped it up the chain of command and made the Department of Justice Attorney General Loretta Lynch tend goal to protect President Obama.

March 1, 2016 – Super Tuesday…oops too late to do anything. 2016 primaries kick off, full swing, and this was supposed to be resolved by now.

Trump (it appeared) was basically proving the regular, stale, GOP characters got lost in the shadow of a no bullshit, tell it like it is, real estate mogul who has switched political parties to oppose whichever party occupied the Oval Office.

Clinton (it appeared) was headed for the Oval and Sanders (I’m guessing) was supposed to be her Vice President. That’s what it looked like.

What else happened in March 2016? CIA Director John Brennan met with Putin in Moscow. Secretary of State John Kerry met with Putin in Russia as well.

April – June, 2016 – Delay, delay, delay, campaign pomp and circumstance. Cruz and Kasich dropped out at very suspect times if you pay attention to contested convention rules effectively ensuring a Trump nomination with little to no fuss. Seems they all agreed (or didn’t mind) serving up Trump as their guy. Aside from Rubio who was so affectionately referred to as the ‘boy in the bubble’ by Christie.

Clinton and Sanders float through their contest as beacons to different types frustrated Americans who are sick of political nonsense and senseless logic.

June 27, 2016 – Bill Clinton conveniently departing from Phoenix Sky Harbor airport the same timeframe Loretta Lynch arrived at the same airport as part of her six-city “pillars” roadshow to encourage collaboration between federal and local law enforcement for community policing. Phoenix is the training and education pillar.

July 5, 2016 – Comey comes forward and states that the FBI investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails doesn’t warrant any charges, though it was irresponsible of her to have a private server. He says he doesn’t want to be the one to alter political history. So, what exactly does Comey know?

Also July 5, 2016 – Hillary Clinton boards Air Force One along with President Obama to travel to their first joint appearance for the Clinton campaign in North Carolina.

July 2016 – RNC and DNC hold their conventions. Conveniently, DNC is hacked just before theirs making Hillary’s campaign appear hell bent on sabotaging  Bernie Sanders. Some DNC people resign from their posts, including Debbie Wassermann Schultz.

August 2016 – October 2016 – Presidential debates. Hillary earns the confidence of former naysayers while Trump does and says things that would ruin any other politician’s career.

October Surprise – Comey burps and pukes all over claiming new information is found regarding the supposed investigation into Hillary Clinton’s email. One of two things happened:

1) Comey has a guilty conscience about what he knows and continues with the vague narrative of Clinton emails as a cover to something more complex regarding the FBI investigation. While I think this is true, it’s not the reason for the timely announcement.

2) Comey injected an excuse for Trump to win the election because Hillary Clinton, due to reasons unknown to the American public, cannot – and not by her own doing – win the presidency.

November 8, 2016 – Trump is elected. Confusion ensues. Fast forward a few months and pieces begin coming together.

In a nutshell

The United States found itself in a quandary it has never before faced.  Now, it appears things have fallen out of control as the public narrative was already established and had been fed to the American public for years.

I think D.C. wishes their problem was Russian collusion to rig the election. They’ve gone too far down a road they thought was in better condition. Then again, that’s what our honorable politicians in Washington do – ignore problems in the U.S., make them worse, and figure out who to blame.

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Does 11:11 Toy with Your Mind?

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Over and Over Again

I’ve seen 11:11 on a regular basis for many years. At first, it only appeared on digital clocks, but today it’s extended to the strangest things. Today, it continues and more frequently than ever.

Constant Reminder

11:11 is a constant reminder of something I struggle to explain and don’t fully understand. It doesn’t surprise me anymore. In fact, I expect it. I’d be surprised if I didn’t frequently see 11:11.

It’s like an ongoing game of peek-a-boo and 11:11 is my babysitter.

I Began to Notice

I can’t remember the first time I saw 11:11, but it became impossible to ignore. It’s a number you don’t forget.

Something naturally compelled me to check the time during this magic minute as if I was loaded with an app called Biological Clock.

About two years ago I began to notice 11:11 when it had nothing to do with time.

Is it just me?

No, it’s more common than I thought, but I didn’t give it much credence until I received one particularly fucked up email I never should have received; an email I still can’t explain.

I haven’t written about it before because I figured my 11:11 experience was nothing more than countless recurring coincidences.

That is, until last summer.

The One I Can’t Explain

On July 15, 2016, I received an email from the Devilish Smirk site notifying me of a new blog post. That’s standard whenever I publish a new post.

If content is added, a one-time email is sent to all subscribers that day.

There was a problem with this one. Nothing new was posted on July 15. Even more, the last time I published anything was in May.

There was no reason for me to receive an email, but there it was. 

This post was an update on my dog, Marco, after undergoing surgery on October 31, 2015.

Funny thing – I never noticed that I published this 11 days after his surgery on November 11, 2015.

Apparently, 11:11:11 can be right in front of your face and completely overlooked. I’m actually shocked I didn’t notice this before, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. This 11:11:11 bent the rules to get in my face.

We’re talking about a system generated, duplicate, erroneous email sent over eight months after it was originally posted.

It makes no sense.

Could it have been a message from Marco? Yeah, I’ve turned into that guy.

The July 15, 2016 email caught my attention like 11-11″ dicks.

I began looking into the date 11/11 instead of the time.

I’m a recovering history bonehead. Nothing bored me more in high school than history. Today, however, it’s one of my favorite things to research, analyze, and discuss.

Armistice Day Marked the End of World War I

November 11 is known as Armistice Day which is the day the armistice was signed between the Allies of WWI and Germany, in France, marking the end of WWI.

Visit the Wikipedia page for Armistice Day to learn more.

WWI officially ended on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918. (11:11:11)

In the United States, we call it Veteran’s Day 

When I discovered the July 15, 2016 email included 11:11:11 and Armistice Day included 11:11:11, my inner geek grew three sizes.

Had it not been for the July 15, 2016 email, I would’ve probably never made the connection between 1918 and 2015.

The thing about 11:11 is you cannot search for it; 11:11 finds you. That’s how I interpret the July 15 email.

This November will be the 99th anniversary of the end of WWI.

Now for some Notable Standouts of My 11:11 Experience

Voicemail from my mom

Just as before, I didn’t notice this one the first time around. I caught it earlier this year while clearing voicemails I never listened to. More often than not, I return calls without listening to messages. Moral of the story? Listen to voicemail from mom. This 11:11 arrived five months late, but it was just in time.

Searching Devilish Smirk in Facebook App

The search results listed three recent blog posts. The results made me look twice.  The post titled What are the real issues in America? was posted on March 11 and had 11 shares. Oddly, when I searched on my laptop, it didn’t say March 11, it said about 2 months ago.

My First Negative 11:11

I check various stock performance just to see what the good old industry is doing. I’m draining my 401(k) these days and not contributing, so I’m not exactly in a position to purchase stocks. Both of these 11’s are red and negative. That can’t be a good sign, but what do I know? To be fair, the ticker has done well the past year.

Way to keep an eye on things Mr. McDermott! Also, congratulations on your fat salary and good luck on Wednesday’s call.

11:11 Jumps the Shark

Really? Last Thursday, I met with a realtor to get an idea of the current value of my house in today’s market. This is a comp of another home in my neighborhood – the only house for sale. It’s overpriced and doesn’t have a pool. If you live in Scottsdale, you need a pool. Trust me. She told me she would price mine $30,000 less than this hot box. I don’t know what she was smoking.

What’s your 11:11 story?

I’d love to hear your 11:11 stories! Or any other number sequence stories!

How do you feel connected to the world around you?

Either tell your story in the comments or email me directly at [email protected].

Don’t be shy.

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I’m going to be an uncle!

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I’m about to be a first time uncle

My brother and his wife are expecting their first child in less than a month. It’s finally hit me – I’m going to be an uncle!

I realize I’m a little old for my first time, but I’m thrilled this is finally a thing. I’m just happy it’s uncle and not grandpa.

We’re pregnant

Last year, my brother called me with the news. It was great to hear, but I was more curious about his mother’s reaction. She’s going to be a first time grandma. I was more excited for her than anything.

Lord knows, she wasn’t getting one from me. When I came out, all the pressure I never felt to produce a grandchild landed squarely on his shoulders.

Finally, a Garrod boy is keeping the name alive! Everyone wins!

The best part of being a gay uncle

Nobody questions a gay man’s ability to be an uncle. In fact, some of the best uncles I know are gay. People just don’t want them to be parents. It’s a ridiculous mindset.

If I tell someone, “Hey, I’m gay and I’m going to be an uncle!” More than likely, they’ll say, “Congratulations!”

If I said, “Hey, I’m gay and I want to be a father!” There are people, even in my family, who would say gays shouldn’t be parents.

Parenting has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with ability.

I’m not saying I want to be a father and I’m not I suggesting being an uncle is even comparable to being a father. What I’m saying is this – you know that ‘feeling’ people get when being a parent is finally real? Yeah, gays get that too.

I’m not going to explain the various scenarios where I end up with child. Ultimately, if circumstances were such that I had a kid, I’d be a great father. 

Just ask Bellz

What do you mean, Bellz? You get too much attention!

Bellz, you are so damn needy. This is how you end up in your crate! Ok, ok, ok, fine. Maybe I’m not ready to be a father.

Screw it! I’m going to be an uncle!

Since I’m going to be an uncle, I have to develop a few habits that haven’t otherwise stuck. For instance, I’ve dabbled in remembering birthdays, but I haven’t become addicted to sending cards. Even when Facebook reminds me of someone’s birthday, I rarely take action.

If I’m going to do this right, I better get used to buying stamps! I can’t even tell you the last time I bought Christmas cards. This year is going to be different. I’m going to let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Everything in moderation, right?

Note to self: Send newborn card and gift in April. Buy Christmas cards in November. Collect addresses sometime this year. Get your shit together. Baby steps.

It’s a start

Before baby Garrod has taken his/her first breath, he/she inspired a ripple effect a lot of people have already felt. It’s a beautiful thing.

Baby Garrod is the reason I dove into coloring. I was working on a set of nursery pictures as a gift for the family. Turns out, this cracked the beaver dam I mentioned in Seize all your days.

It’s a really cool feeling when an idea takes roots of its own and cultivates other ideas that eventually come full circle. Everyone can do it; the operative words being “do it”.

Speaking of “do it”, I suppose I should finish up the nursery gift. Baby Garrod will be here before I know it!

Nobody knows whether or not baby Garrod is a boy or a girl. I have this strong feeling a boy is on the way. We will know in less than a month! Regardless, I’m excited and I’m going to take my responsibility as an uncle seriously.

Uncle Travis’ oath

I promise I’ll come visit at the earliest, most appropriate time after you enter this world.

I promise to check in to see how you’re doing although you’ll have no conscious memory of these moments.

I promise you will know me even though we may never live in the same state.

I promise to nag your parents to take you on vacation to visit me at every appropriate opportunity, especially when you’re old enough to remember.

I promise to be there for you and your family during any time of need.

I promise you will always have a place to go.

Love,
Uncle Travis

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