My Dog is Not My Child
My dog is officially my co-pirate. After spending the summer studying abroad, Bella became Bellz. She graduated and she’s not even two! She’s an overachiever.
I don’t know where she gets it. It wasn’t from me; I was a “C” student.
Congratulations, Bellz! You done good, girl!
I nearly dropped out of college, and not because I didn’t want to be there. I was told I was wasting my time, money, and other things, but I only flunked one class.
Kidding aside, she’s German and Germans make great dogs, and other good shit.
Leave it to Germany to engineer something better than people.
In Dog We Trust
Dogs have an unwavering commitment to loyalty and love. Imagine that you were born into a world filled with unconditional love, encouragement, compassion, and curiosity.
What if I told you that you were already born into that world?
It’s hard to believe, but what if it’s true?
What if you discovered that you were already born into that world?
See, what had happened was…I couldn’t see what I didn’t believe.
Seeing is believing, but I had to believe to see.
I saw, then believed, but I can’t believe my eyes!
I see you!
We have an uncanny ability to complicate the simplest things.
You’ve either figured it out or you haven’t. You will or you won’t. You do or you don’t.
That’s a joke. Not really. Seriously though, it is. Just kidding. What?
Polly Wanna Cracker?
Referring to dogs as children is automatic, like when someone says they’re “fine” when nobody asked how they were.
Think of it this way:
Americans tend to be parrots. Parrots sit on the shoulders of pirates. If Americans are parrots, then Americans are co-pirates. Being a co-pirate requires at least two pirates. If Americans have a dog, then Americans and dogs are co-pirates.
Any questions? Polly wanna cracker?
It’s basic logic, but Americans aren’t known for being logical. Ask any lawyer. They’ll tell you the truth.
If it pleases the court, I would like to submit evidence that pets are not children.
Nobody gives birth to their dog. Dogs aren’t a result of any sex you had. If you carry a dog for nine months, it’s in a purse.
Dogs happen on purpose. The decision to have a dog is exactly that; a decision. Having a kid requires sex and a choice.
People don’t usually update social media while walking out of an abortion clinic.
Dogs don’t have allergies. Nobody gives up a child because their dog has allergies.
Dogs don’t hate you. Dogs do the darnedest things. They shit inside, piss on stuff, destroy something or make a mess. Kids talk.
A child will tell you they wish they were never born.
You can’t cage a child. Try that with a toddler. A crib is as close as you get.
Children can have children. Dogs get fixed. Fixed. What a strange word for never reproducing again.
Chaos & Piss
If we continue allowing pet owners to refer to their animals as children, where does it end?
Before you know it, parents will treat their kids like pets and allow them to shit outside. Animals will begin using restrooms, and we can’t even figure out which restroom people should use.
What the fuck? Maybe we should all shit outside.
Why not? We act like animals.
It’s acceptable to euthanize pets. People aren’t so lucky. If I’m ever in a situation where I’m unresponsive and I can’t, won’t, or forget to swallow pudding, I truly won’t mind a lethal dose of anesthesia.
Why not? We act like animals.
I rest my leather case.