I’m Glad I’m Not a Toilet

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I am really glad I’m not a toilet. Who knows where the hell I’d end up, how much shit I’d swallow, or how many diseases I’d host and pass without even knowing.

Kind of like life…

People line up to use toilets, often not caring about the crappy chaos and splatter piss. Toilets deal with shit and piss all the time! The only break (if you call it a break) a toilet might catch is a little cocaine, or a senseless argument over genitals, but, at the end of the day, a toilet is a toilet.

I’ve been mistaken for a toilet before and all I can say is, screw that!

Shitty Ass People

People can be awful a lot of the time. They do dipshit things to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

It boggles my mind when someone thinks they can do no wrong even after discreetly wrecking a marriage (or two) and (possibly) the heart of a child.

It’s especially rich when people change their convictions based on which way the wind blows. Abortion is the first word to comes to mind, but this is America so you know there are others – many others.

Left unchecked, bad traits (especially when involving money) can become dangerous – or criminal – habits.

Ever the optimist, I believe humanity will prevail, but we have to start prevailing. That means, grow up. It’s time.

Dream big!

This brings me to a dream I had last week. I have a tendency to forget my dreams. This time, however, the shit stuck.

What I love about dreams is they make no sense. It was one of those dreams within a dream within a dream.

This dream took place in a bar. Within the bar was a giant toilet. However, the bowl itself was somehow bigger than the planet.

Welcome to the shit show!

I don’t know how I ended up with a job at a local bar supporting toilets, but I was on plunger duty. You can imagine my face when way too many pieces of shit rolled through the door.

I knew I was in for a night to remember.

The influx of shit was due to a scrappy poster advertising an unrefined contest they could see from outside. The poster listed a vague prize. It was a simple word – treasure – all lowercase, written with glue and silver glitter.

The First Super Toilet Bowl

It sounded like something sponsored by the NFL. Toward the bottom of the poster was a scribbled guarantee; an opportunity to live the most fulfilled life and make a difference in the world for one winner.

How the shit coincidentally stumbled across this opportunity is anyone’s guess. Life doesn’t always make sense. But, we’re not here to talk about life. Today, we’re talking about shit.

The goal of the contest was to be the smallest piece of shit. You see, shit knows what it is so the strategies were lame. Rather than explain why they were the smallest, they focused on convincing the judge that the other pieces were bigger.

Blinded by slinging shit at each other, none of them noticed they were in a toilet bowl of global proportions. The judge watched as things got ugly fast. The water became cloudy and a warning light started to blink rapidly.

Shit was taking too long and the judge had to intervene. Tired of what he’d witnessed, he ripped a page right out of the Shitty Strategies playbook.

The word on the page was “loopholes” and that sounded close enough to “flush” for the judge.

The dirty water in the big bowl started swirling. All the shit suddenly started exposing how big each piece was! It stepped all over itself and got all smashed together and skidded up the sides. The shit was riding up each other’s backs and tried plugging the toilet with smaller pieces as it all started to break apart.

Silly shit!

Not one of the pieces of shit sacrificed themselves to save the others. None of the shit survived. In fact, none of them ever resurfaced. It was as if the bar never opened that night.

Thank god for more bars!

Nobody ever heard of that contest again. Nobody even wondered about a new venue. By design, the contest only appealed to shit to begin with and that’s the crux of the problem. It’s not a contest that can be advertised because it attracts the wrong contestants. As it stood, the contest that night was a once in a lifetime thing.

I woke up the first time

I remember waking up swimming laps in a cold toilet. Then I was enveloped in complete darkness. Suddenly I felt surrounded by pool toys all around. I started getting hit in the head with fresh crap while treading water as I yelled “SHIT!” over and over.

I woke up the second time

There was an envelope in my lap that said “Super Toilet Bowl Criteria for Winners” I opened it to find a torn piece of lined paper out of a miniature sized spiral notebook.

It read, “Sole winner? Are you joking? In this contest there are only losers. Pieces of shit will always lose. If you don’t want to lose, don’t be a piece of shit. Prize to be shared with all non-losers.”

In that moment, I realized the contest wasn’t over. Not yet, but it could be over at any moment and I didn’t want to be a piece of shit when it was done.

What nobody understood was everyone, everywhere was in the contest all along.

I woke up for the third and final time

My skin was clammy as my body was covered in a cold sweat and my ceiling fan was on high.

I was laying in bed and my pillow was soaking wet. My shirt looked like I just left a water balloon fight and jumped in bed. My sheets were drenched.

I was cold and uncomfortable and in the dark. But, at least I was safe.

In that moment, I realized a simple truth: Live your life, but don’t be a piece of shit!

God works in mysterious ways.

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What are the real issues in America?

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When considering if even a fraction of what I see or read anymore is an accurate reflection of America’s mindset, my heart sinks. Fake or not, the stories are ugly and the comments are uglier.

If you’re online, you’re in a vivarium. This is a test. If you cannot see the answer by now, try opening your eyes, ears, heart, and mind a tiny bit.

Life gets infinitely better if you don’t make people miserable. I promise!

If you want to be on the right side of history, you better side with humanity

Bullying – kids and adults – is very real in America. It’s kind of amazing we don’t bomb our own country. Or have we?

I don’t know what happens to people that makes them terrible adults. We all have our shit to deal with. All I ask is that you not be part of anyone’s pile.

We, as humans, should embrace and encourage a free and fair world as if it’s our collective purpose. Well, guess what? That is our collective purpose!

Empathy enables us to unite in powerful ways

Painful truths about pain are: nobody’s immune to it, and it has a purpose. You can’t walk a mile in someone’s shoes until you walk a marathon in your own.

Painful events that remind us life isn’t fair can be our most valuable life lessons. Those events help us prioritize what’s important to us, and can often bring clarity.

Can you relate?

Communication is the heart of humanity. Bring that to every table. It’s how we learn about, understand, and relate to each other.

We all have a lot more in common than we think. It just takes a little effort and a few questions. It pains me when people summarily ignore entire groups – be it age, scene, politics, race, religion, whatever – all because they’re uncomfortable. Poor things.

Learn to cope with being uncomfortable

It shouldn’t be that hard. We were all twelve at some point. Americans could stand to be a little more selfless. There are – believe it or not – actual, real problems in the world. Surprise!

A global logic problem

I grew up in Alaska during the culmination of the Cold War. I was born a month after President Nixon resigned. By the time I graduated high school, the Berlin Wall was mostly dismantled, and the Soviet Union had collapsed.

Later that year, I began my college experience. Bright-eyed and full of hope, my generation was ready to change the world.

Optimism sure is cute until years become decades

Good morning, America! In today’s news, distraction is the main attraction. Now, for our top story, “Politics prove the human capacity for hypocrisy.”

Fasten your seat belt, I just did a couple shots.

Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Trump. War. Terror. Money. Shovel ready. Oops, just kidding. Fraud. Secret Access Program. I’m with her. Pocahontas. Pussy. Nothing holds a country together like a small handful of pussy.

America is finally united!

Welcome to the United State of Disbelief!

The American Dream halted construction and the crews were sent home. News, news, words, news, fake news, satire, words, words, Twitter.

Where did the internet come from, anyway? Facebook sure came out of nowhere. How about The Google? What does SAP even do?

But we don’t care about government and business in the U.S. We like to tear each other down and make everyone miserable – for no reason whatsoever!

Why are you so intolerant of my free speech?

People can develop their most hateful opinions about issues that don’t affect them.

Oops, another shot.

If you don’t like the blue giraffe, simply leave him alone. He’s not from this country, but that doesn’t mean he can’t live here.

Wait, what? Oh, shit. I’m sorry. She? I thought she looked like a dyke. I just saw her in the mens’ room! I hate blue trans giraffes. Rape! If I had a daughter that would have been gross. Only men should be in there.

Giraffes belong in a zoo – along with all the other faggot species! I could have killed it if this liberal fuck town allowed open carry and I owned a gun. Guns!

By the way, there’s an awesome glory hole in the stall with the broken door. You’ll see these shoes I’m wearing tapping the floor! See you soon, buddy.

I almost changed my mind about abortion. Then I forgot that I want to watch the little monster grow up and have no parents! Well?

Who’s that freak in front of him? Is that the other mommy or dad or whatever? I can’t tell if that’s a giraffe’s cock or a baby giraffe falling out. Freaks.

Healthcare is for healthy people! And by healthy, I mean white. You’re a racist if you want me to pay for your shit!

The thing is not worth educating. I’m not even educated. Why educate terrorists? ISIS! All lives matter. Except that trans blue giraffe. Deport that fucker.

These are seriously arguments people have in America?

No wonder we’re being punished. We’ve all been a dick to someone, somewhere, sometime, and maybe recently.

Someone has to stop being a dick, and it might as well be you. Your days of being a dick are over. Oh, relax, you homophobic pieces of trash! I said stop being one, not stop sucking them!