Getting Back on the Workout Wagon

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Down & Out

Even for the most athletically inclined, getting back into an exercise routine after being out of the game for an extended period of time is an obstacle.

In my case, that period of time has been over five years.

Actually writing that feels like failure. It doesn’t feel good to say, or read. That means it’s out there for anyone to see – strangers, family, friends, or otherwise.

It’s like admitting an addiction to complacency and laziness. But that’s the first step in any recovery, and that’s the purpose of this post: Personal accountability to myself.

All we are is how we behave (or respond) in any given moment.

Hi, my name is Travis, and my lazy game is on point!

I say that tongue-in-cheek; I’m not completely sedentary. I have a dog and she requires at least two walks per day. What I’m saying is, it’s been over five years since I’ve gone out of my way to workout.

It’s high time for that to change.

Physical Setback

In February 2014, I ruptured my Achilles tendon while playing volleyball. It happened on a Sunday night. By Wednesday afternoon, I was in surgery.

I had physical therapy, but I haven’t been back to a gym since. It took eight months to not limp anymore.

Mental Setback

Leading up to the injury, I had memberships at two gyms and had two personal trainers. I was in the best shape of my life and that all came crumbling down with one misstep on the court.

Three months later, I moved to Scottsdale and my life was flipped upside down.

I never climbed back on the workout wagon.

Suddenly, it’s 2019 and I’m left wondering, where has the time gone?

A New Goal

Metaphorically speaking, you can’t walk a mile in someone’s shoes until you run a marathon in your own. It just so happens, I’ve run actual marathons. Three, in fact.

I was about to turn 37 when I decided to run my first marathon. I wanted to accomplish something physical; something that required a certain level of discipline with a rigorous training schedule.

Plus I wanted a tangible reminder that I was capable of accomplishing something when I committed to and focused on a goal.

When people finish marathons, they get a medal. A marathon was an obvious choice. I wanted a medal, and I actually have four!

Between November 2010 and October 2011 I ran three full and two half marathons. The first was Seattle in November 2010, then Anchorage in June 2011. The third was Chicago in October 2011. Both half marathons were fit into my training schedules for Anchorage and Seattle.

Note that not all half marathons produce a medal. Plan accordingly.

There is a purpose to this marathon tangent. When I decided to run Seattle, I read an article that suggested to pick a destination, register, and announce your goal to your friends and family. First, you have a vacation on your calendar. Second, you’re committed, and any deviation from your goal results in having to go back on your word.

That’s one hell of a motivator.

A Labor Day to Thanksgiving Journey

That’s what this is; my public commitment to myself. Between now and December, I’m joining a gym and I’m going to milk the hell out of that membership.

Sadly, this commitment involves no vacation. It involves going to a pop-up gym that shares a parking lot with the grocery store I frequent.

Why Now?

I turn 45 in two weeks. On September 13, 2019 I’ll have completed my 45th lap around the Gregorian calendar.

No congratulations or apologies are necessary. That's not a goal I met. It's more of an achievement anyone can accomplish if they live this long.

Earlier this summer, I set a goal to join a gym by September 1. That’s tomorrow. I tried joining today, but discovered a minor set back straight out the gate.

This particular gym has 24 hour access, but not always staffed. It’s Saturday and they were already gone. Then, I noticed it isn’t staffed on Sundays, and Monday is a holiday.

F.M.L.

The Universe is testing my resolve. After five years of no workouts, the day I muster the energy to start, I couldn’t!

All that did was make me more determined than ever. So I wrote this story.

With any luck, come December, I will arrive at a renewed and improved mental space, which is usually the result of a vacation anyway.

That’s my ultimate goal.

Now I’m really looking forward to the challenge.

The benefits I reap are in direct proportion to the effort I give.

Who knows, after this experiment is complete, maybe I'll be back on board to give a marathon at 45 a shot.

Baby steps, Travis. For now let’s try fitting back into those suits you bought when you moved to Scottsdale in 2014.

That, my friends, is how you hold yourself accountable to a goal.

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No Application For This Job

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The Opportunity of a Lifetime

We’re all pioneers of our own unchartered path. We stumble, trip, fall, crawl, bitch, and argue our way through life’s present conditions every day.

Life is a job for which there’s no application. You are your own boss and that’s all you need to be. It’s a position that requires continual personal growth in order to succeed.

Opportunities knock all the time, but it’s not always easy to know which ones to grab. Right or wrong, every opportunity is a chance to learn.

The more we learn, the better we become. Sometimes, being better requires us to feel worse than ever before.

You’re the Boss, Applesauce

You’ll always hold the top spot in your personal business of being alive. It’s a lifelong position for which you were chosen to sit at the helm.

I can’t tell you much about life, but one thing is clear: Life gets infinitely better when you don’t go out of your way to make other people miserable.

Our minds are terribly complex, and they aren’t horribly difficult to use, but we have an uncanny ability to complicate the simplest things.

We should embrace and encourage a free and fair world as if it’s our collective purpose.

Newsflash! That is our collective purpose.

If you’re capable of leading by example, then lead by example. It’s your only job, after all, and you never know whose life you’ll touch.

First, the Good News

All of us have the ability to inspire others. Inspiration is powerful. We see, hear, touch, taste, feel, and draw inspiration from the people we meet and the passions we pursue.

Life is an adventure worth remembering and there’s a lot to miss. Pay attention to everything around you and notice the puzzle pieces hidden in plain sight every day.

Life is a puzzle without borders. No frame will ever contain the full picture, and you have a lifetime to create your masterpiece.

Remember the past, live in the present, and don't be future blind. Envision your future. Dream about your future. Imagine your potential.

Remember to watch your step. Keep your head up and your mouth closed. Look ahead with your eyes open.

Be aware of your surroundings. Listen carefully to others. Think before you speak. Listen deeply for your truth. Recognize opportunities. Know your options. Make decisions. Die another day. 

Now, the Bad News

Life is no ordinary puzzle. It isn’t built in a day and takes more than a week. Life can, however, fall the fuck apart in an hour.

A word of caution: The sadistic side of life constantly delivers blows of sadness, anger, pain (and others) that have the ability to break you, but only if you let them. 

Generally, we have ideas of what we want and where we’re headed, but it’s not always clear how we’ll get there.

All the while, we’re distracted by self-induced stress (of our own creation) and every other obstacle we cannot control. It’s up to you to know the difference. Detours are inevitable – a lot of them – and it’s easy to get lost.

Everyone gets lost.

It’s not a matter of if, but when. It’s going to happen – if it hasn’t already. When it does, you need to do the finding. Nobody else can do that for you.

Others may support you, but that’s the extent of what they can offer. You’re not their project and they aren’t yours. Care about others, but worry about yourself.

Feeling Alienated?

Communication is the heart of humanity. Bring that to every table when you pull up a chair.

I was pissed off, angry, and pessimistic for a minute. Pessimism has one benefit; it helped me understand how debilitating a bad attitude can be. It didn’t take log to realize I was becoming the type of person who irritates me.

That’s what underrepresented, overlooked, or ignored underdogs eventually realize.

If pessimism got anyone, anywhere, everyone in the world would be on top of the world!

We all have a lot more in common than we think. It just takes a little effort and a few questions, and a willingness to listen and learn.

It pains me when people summarily ignore entire groups – be it age, scene, politics, race, religion, whatever – all because they’re uncomfortable.

Poor things.

Learn to cope with being uncomfortable.

It isn't that hard; we were all twelve at one point.

Heartbreak and hardships are guaranteed in this life, but struggles develop your soul. Pain has a purpose.

Empathy enables us to unite in powerful ways.

Making connections is easier to do when you allow your true self to make first impressions. Anything less is a waste of time.

Show up to your own life and act accordingly.

I’m Feelin’ ’92!

I grew up in Alaska during the culmination of the Cold War. I was born a month after Nixon resigned. By the time I graduated high school, the Berlin Wall was mostly dismantled, and the Soviet Union had collapsed.

Later that year, I began my college experience. Bright eyed and full of hope, my generation was ready to change the world.

Optimism sure is cute until years become decades.

The American Dream halted construction and the crews were sent home.

News, news, words, news, fake news, satire, words, words, Twitter!

Good morning, America! In today’s news, distraction is the main attraction. Now, for our top story, “Politics prove the human capacity for hypocrisy.”

People can develop their most hateful opinions about issues that don’t affect them.

Painful events that remind us that life isn’t fair can be our most valuable teachers. When pain strikes, it’s debilitating, but it’s important to never give up.

Tragic events don’t feel beneficial at the time those events occur, but they help us prioritize what’s important to us, and can often bring clarity.

I’ve done a lot in my life I cannot shout proudly from a mountain top, but I continue learning from the culmination of my mistakes. As well, I can’t say I have any regrets.

Life has a way of correcting your alignment with its course.

I’ve faced, accepted, and owned the crazy things I’ve done. Meeting and getting to know others who open up about the things they’ve done, that society has no business judging, motivates the hell out of me to tell as many stories as I can.

I do what I do because I’m always evolving. I’ve changed my mind countless times about things I thought were true.

Creating a Wake

Life isn’t an accident; life happens on purpose. Some people cause a wake, and others leave an unsettled aftermath.

We crawl before walking, and walk before running. We leave tracks connecting where we’re at, where we’ve been and where we’re from.

Everyone has experience worth sharing. Some won’t, and others will, but nobody can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes until completing a marathon in their own.

You are your #1 priority. Timing is everything and your time is now. Always look after #1. Know how to put yourself first, without being selfish. The more you help yourself, the better you’ll be helping others.

Pay attention to your state of mind. Don’t lose sight of your goals, sacrifice your happiness, or devalue your worth.

Always exercise your mind. Spend your spare time doing things that make you feel something.

Be better than good. Good things happen to good people, but being good is only the beginning.

Actively participate in life. Stay aware of your surroundings. Treat others with kindness. Honesty is the best thing for sleeping well at night. Know yourself by being self aware at all times.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than getting caught up in some bullshit, so stay out of it.

Always ask why. Question everything to understand anything. Curiosity won’t kill you, but lacking it will.

Do everything with confidence. Confidence is sexy. There’s a difference between being confident, and being a dick.

Laugh. Every. Day.

Be someone you’re proud to promote. You have exactly until you die to become the person you’re proud to be.

Travis Garrod, Devilish Smirk
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A Message For Those Who Need It

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It’s a great time to feel alive, right here, right now, wherever, or whenever we are.

That's one of those feel good mantras I always wanted to believe, but had every reason not to.

Cultivating a life worth living takes time, and patience is a virtue.

Focus on the future value of the decisions you make today, and live life as an unapologetic beautiful soul.

Almost every relationship works the same as finding love: Relationships happen when you least expect.

Any relationship; take your pick, but don’t work too hard to find something that will eventually find you.

Extra Travis Phone Home!

I bet you thought E.T. stood for Extra Terrestrial.

Hang In There Kid!

Hang in there kid, you have a gifted spirit, and deep down you feel it. You exist in a data-based world, and learning’s a lifetime quest.

You’ve already earned the grand prize of life, and now is your time to live. In the playground of good and evil, there’s nothing more to win.

Appreciate and care for others; but your only concern is you.

Keep an open mind, follow your heart, and learn as much as you can.

You’ll fuck up for sure; it’ll happen a lot, and that will never change.

There are lessons to learn from the mistakes you’ll make. Learn to be humble.

Do yourself a favor, start making a list.

You’ll see your reflection in mirrors, at first, and that’s a great place to start.

Be honest about who you are, and acknowledge when you’re wrong. This isn’t a drill.

A lot won’t make sense for a very long time, and you won’t feel importantuntil you believe you’re important

Explore the paths of most resistance, but make good choices. This requires bold decisions, and bold decisions involve risk.

Learn to be spontaneous. Quick decisions aren’t always comfortable, but it only takes one to be the pivot that inevitably changes your life.

Whatever you do, don't become a greedy, selfish, evil, affected, awful lying twat. It never ends well for those.

Universal expectations of humans are low.

Dead or alive, you’re guaranteed a legacy fully directed by the actions you choose.

Failure succeeds at motivating.

You’ll never know what winning feels like until you know what it feels like to lose.

It’s important you do this alone.

I can’t tell you more, but remember this: Life is jam packed with shock and surprise, and I’ll always have your back.

Your Table’s Waiting

Friendships are a special beast within the realm of relationships. Like all relationships, friendships evolve, and they are a two-way street.

A life without friends isn’t much of a life, and making new friends is a crap shoot. Lucky us!

Welcome to the Ca-si-no, I’m not your friend!

It’s like gambling, except when placing bets, we use mental currency, not cash, and it’s amazing what your mind can afford.

P, P, P, Poker Face, P, P, Poker Face!

Life is like an incessant game of poker, and it’s boring if you don’t pay attention. There’s always a spot reserved for you – and only you – for life.

How we behave, interact, and communicate with each other is a culmination of whatever cards life hands us on a daily basis.

You won't win without trying and you have to play anyway. At minimum, poker is entertaining, but can be insanely fun with the right people.

Learn through observation and improve through experience. With a good poker face, a losing hand can win almost any game. Luck can strike at any time and change your life.

Keep your head in the game.

The Best is Yet to Come

I’ve spent a lot of time wishing I’d made better decisions in life. It’s fun to think about how things could be different, if only I just

However, that’s a waste of time. My past made me who I am today. Now is not the time for coulda shoulda woulda didn’t stories. There’s no sense in beating yourself up over shit you didn’t do.

If you want to change anything, apply the knowledge gained from the lessons life has given you and commit to being better, not bitter.

Bring yourself to the table so we can be better, together.

Smile more. Welcome new people, and show interest in others. Put forth an effort to show people you care.

Small changes will evolve your world before you know it. Even still, it takes time; a lot of time.

And patience.

Nobody lives while dwelling in the past and trapped in a loop. Nobody lives when they aren’t present. I’ve been there. It’s a self sentenced purgatory.

Being alive without living is a lonely place.

Imagination Work is a Virtual Brain Gym

Life is a game of wonder.

Nobody lives a life they never imagine, and it’s never too late to dream. You can always discover, create, tweak, finetune, evolve, enhance, and achieve dreams.

However, there’s a caveat. It’s work, and not necessarily work you get paid to do. At least, not at first. It’s work that might pay off down the road.

Your imagination becomes exponentially more active the more you open, stretch, strengthen, and train your imagination.

Imagination training is exhausting, even though you don’t pick up weights. The only thing you lift is your spirit, which, ironically, ultimately lifts you.

My Dream is Virtually Real

Be real and you will begin seeing opportunities that you never thought possible.

Sometimes it takes us to witness a groundswell of humanity in order to realize the secret to life is simple: Life is an internal journey.

In This, We Trust
You - yes you - the person reading (and writing) this right now - we're part of a unique team brought together (or otherwise connected) by incredibly rare circumstances that led us to the right place, at the right time.

Coincidence? It doesn’t matter. Somehow, we’ve crossed paths and it’s about time we have this conversation.

You sacrificed a lot in life early on. Remember? It doesn’t matter what you could have done different. We can play that game for the rest of our lives. Right now, it’s sudden death and the net is wide open. Missing this opportunity is unacceptable.

Everything must fall apart before anything can be pieced back together. Betrayal and loss are experiences everyone needs.

Everything happens for a reason. Nobody enters your life by accident. An actual occurrence of coincidence is rare.

Your external existence will never soar if you don’t understand and reinforce the foundation of your internal existence.

There are good and bad decisions, but there are no right or wrong ones. How we deal with the outcomes defines us as individuals.

A guilt-free conscience is the best prescription for quality sleep.

Embrace each day as an opportunity to push forward with an open mind and a kind soul.

Never forget: A life of privilege isn’t a privilege at all. The longer you live without experiencing heartache and hardships is a disadvantage.

Be nice, be kind, and do the right thing.

Love wins.

Always.

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The Great American Experiment

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Welcome to the Great Experiment!

People got too comfortable playing the game. Picking up where The "Conversation" Game left off...

A lot of what I’ve learned about my life and the world around it makes me uncomfortable.

It makes me happy, sad, elated and doomed – truly doomed – all at once.

It takes us nine months to breathe on our own, but our time on earth is the real womb.

Everyday I learn to adapt, a little more, than the day before. Honestly, that’s all that matters to me.

Life beat the hell out of me before my attempt at beating the hell out of life. Living a life out of hell is worth fighting for.

Hell has no place in my life – inside and out. Real hell.

So here we are, beating the hell out of each other because life and I have a common goal.

My emotions don’t come one by one, they arrive in bundles. Like high speed internet, cable TV, and phone service, the price is too high to start separating my feelings.

If I’ve learned anything on my writing journey it’s that.

The demons are doing jumping jacks now. 

Be the Real Deal

Embrace emotions as they happen no matter what they are.

Feel your moments. Every last one of them.

Live like you were born in an arena. For all intents and purposes, you were. If you were born in America, that’s what this is.

You’ll be shocked how far long ago this was set in motion. More time ago than you can imagine.

For now, let's call them years.

Thunderstruck!

Today, I realize how responsible I actually was as a kid. I’ve managed to justify my earlier existence. That’s the “C” student in me.

It's about damn time! I took that believing children are the future shit seriously.

I discovered a voice and, as a kid, I considered a typewriter a toy.

The Creative Guide

I attribute my evolution to having an open mind and heart.

I remind myself of this simple fact at every turn in this crazy reality.

That’s the only way I successfully began understanding the strange world in which I exist.

There’s only so much time before the thoughts behind this smirk are buried in forever.

Luckily, that's not the direction this is going.
Travis Garrod, Devilish Smirk

The stars aligned. Or not. The planets did. Or didn’t. Whatever it is, it feels like fireworks. Some days. Maybe.

I don’t know.

Moving on.

I feel like I’m crawling out of a steaming pile of extraordinarily colorful crap ashes.

Is it coincidence the Trump conclusion coincides with the final episodes of Game of Thrones which wraps on May 19, 2019 just ahead of the June 7, 2019 Dark Phoenix rise release?

And Sansa Stark stars in both?

Come on!

I’m merely a goose among geese, in a world searching for unicorns.

Don’t get me wrong, unicorns are great! They’re like a horse in permanent drag. However, unicorns shoot rainbows out of their butthole, and they don’t lay golden eggs.

A goose lays the golden eggs.

Where's that goose?

Will Ready Player win? Does Mario finally find his princess? Or prince?

Plot twist!

And all this time I thought I was an owl...
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Marching to the Beat of a Dog Walk

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Here’s one thing we all have in common. We wake up, everyday. What happens next is anyone’s guess and, quite frankly, nobody’s business.

The difference between any of us is how aware we are of how we act.

The Daily Dog Walk

I’ve had dogs since 1999. My first two dogs were siblings. I’m on my third, and she has a brother. He belongs to a friend of mine so, by proxy, there’s a fourth.

Throughout the past 20 years of my life, dog walks have been a constant.

Dog walks are woven into the fabric of my daily life.

Everyday, no matter what I do, I take my dog on two, 45-minute walks, mixed with some fetch.

There are rarely circumstances that prevent that from happening.

Morning Routine

I wake up everyday around 7:30 a.m. I don’t set my alarm and lately I’ve been waking up earlier.

The first thing I do is make coffee, then I pop into my home office. I turn on the lights, open the blinds, and pick up where I left off the day before.

That’s how I “clock in.”

Home Office

I still have my old desk from the et alia days so there’s a familiar comfort when I sit down to work. On the surface, it’s not a bad gig.

Fact is, anyone can work from home. The problem is making money from home.

Never under estimate your ability to impact the lives of others.

Then, I do whatever I do all day.

The Road to Writing

I’ve always talked about being a writer, but I never wrote – nothing personal at least. That was a huge obstacle for me in the beginning – deciding what to say, what opinions to share, which vulnerabilities to expose, and most importantly, why.

I’ve written corporate communications throughout my life, but that’s a little different.

At age 40, the right set of awkward situations left me no choice but to explore being a writer for myself.

The circumstances were hard, but the decision was easy.

I didn’t know where the road was, much less where it led. I’m still unsure where it leads.

The reasons why I write, constantly evolve. My enthusiasm for writing ebbs and flows, but my commitment never wanes. To me, that’s an indicator I’m on the right path.

The time was now and four years later, now is still the time.

Aside from writing, every other option felt like surrender, like I gave up on life. Giving up was never an option. Lord knows, I’ve spent plenty of time thinking about it.

Nothing clears your conscience like hitting rock bottom.

I always return to the same spot: No, dumbass, this is what you’re meant to do. Of course it’s hard work, what’d you expect?

Say what you want about hobbies, but this one’s extremely fulfilling, and fulfillment is one of my main motivators. My daily goals evolve with the weather, but my long term goals feel closer than ever.

I live in a desert. Mirages are a problem, or even worse, an oasis.

Nobody rolls their eyes harder at me than myself.
I didn’t make this. I don’t know where it came from.

At some point, everything clicks. It can happen with or without a Bible.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how Devilish Smirk came to be.

Dog Walk

By 9:00 a.m. my dog wants to eat. I turn on The Price is Right. That show takes me to a comfortable place I remember as a child.

I listen to it in the background and I’m usually walking my dog before the Showcase Showdown.

That part of the show always bored me.

That’s how I know I’m on track for the day.

Dog Talk

The connection we have with our dogs feels like some sort of magic. Underneath the blue Arizona sky, I’m locked and loaded into the power of collective imagination.

The future I see is brighter than ever. The sky is the limit and, as far as I know, Earth doesn’t have a glass atmosphere.

Whether or not it happens is up to me. That doesn’t mean it’s colorful, bright, and pretty every damn day.

Dead or alive, you are guaranteed a legacy fully directed by the actions you choose.

This kid is reaching for the stars.

Family Dogs

My grandparents already had a dog when I was born. When I was three, my dad brought Rusty home.

Spiro

Spiro was my grandparent’s dog. He was always around, until he wasn’t. I was seven or eight when he died. I remember melting down.

It was one of my first experiences with death, next to my babysitter’s parakeet; something going away to a different place. In real life. And they had him cremated.

And this was supposed to happen to people too? It didn’t make sense. Not nearly as much sense as it makes today.

Still, it’s never a great topic.

Both Denver and Marco were cremated.

Rusty

Rusty was a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. He loved to hunt; that was his purpose. My dad is a hunter and Rusty was his dog. Rusty was a big part of my childhood, but I outgrew my relationship with Rusty because I wasn’t a hunter.

It wasn’t until a “condolences” card arrived from the vet that I even knew he was gone.

Lumi

Lumi’s story is a little more complicated. He was my grandparent’s dog at the end of their lives. My grandma died first, and my grandpa followed two years later. Lumi was by both their sides when they passed.

After grandma passed, grandpa slowly, yet all too quickly, lost his will to live.

What about Lumi?

As part of a deal to keep him out of assisted living, Grandpa agreed the family could make some upgrades to his living situation. So long as he could be home, with his dog, that’s the only thing that mattered to him.

My aunt moved in with him for his last year.

By now, Lumi’s out of control. Grandpa couldn’t adequately care for Lumi, much less himself. Lumi started acting out, and regularly peed inside.

Upon replacing the carpet, it was clear that Lumi pissed everywhere, at some point, all over the house.

Lumi was cute, he was a Dachshund. He was not well behaved and never listened. He wasn’t trained any more than two elderly folks can train a dog.

He wasn’t neutered. He had huge nuts and would bite the toes or hump the ankles of anyone seated at the dinner table.

During the process of preparing the house for sale, Lumi was adopted into a new forever home

My Dogs

I’ve written some things about the dogs I’ve had as an adult.

My Dog is My Co-Pirate
When is Surgery Right for a Dog?
Old as Dirt & Under the Knife
Pets and the Responsibility of Euthanasia
Marco’s Goodbye and Bella’s Hello
What Makes Cats so Great?
What I Didn’t Consider When Naming My Dog Marco

Instincts Activate

All I know is this; whenever I’m down I stare into my dog’s eyes and everything, for that moment, fades to black, and I feel loved.

There are two types of people in the world. Dogs and cats.

We sniff out shit, smelling and licking each others’ butts along the way. Eventually, we encounter people who send shivers down our spines. Then we react. Instinctually.

I kid you not. Three little girls just explained this to me on my walk this afternoon. Dogs like to lick each others' butts, but not before they lick their own. Oh Scottsdale.

I didn’t ask God for a butthole metaphor when I went on my walk this morning, but he gave me one anyway.

God does what God wants, and I’m not one to argue.

Inspiration can be found in anything – if you look for it.

Life’s an internal journey. Things always get worse before they get better. The “better” part takes forever. Regardless of how long it takes to feel better, everyone can be better than they were yesterday.

Humans could stand to learn something about unconditional love from dogs. Dogs can be as fucked up as people, have anxiety, PTSD, or been abused. Yet somehow, when they’re loved, dogs love back, unequivocally and tenfold.

Imagine what humanity could do with the power of love.

Do all dogs go to heaven? I believe they do. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say I believe dogs are heaven sent.

Shut up, hippie! Communist socialist liberal scumbag! You've gone off the deep end! Fraud!

Dogs 1, Humans 0

The only reason I don’t have a cat is that I’m allergic to them. Literally, I’m allergic to pussy.

Is it weird that Losing My Religion by R.E.M. just played randomly? I think we're done here.

Until next time, keep reaching for the stars.

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